This is a long-ish post.
I’m up early, presumably to do some homework. But I just couldn’t get to it until I get this off my chest. It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything regarding my cancer. Since my last scan in March, I’ve been living a full life. Busy with the business of living and of being. Sometimes, I simply don’t want to be reminded that I live with the spectre of cancer over me. I want to live not knowing and live normally. But once in a while, I am jolted back to my reality when I know or hear of someone getting cancer or passing away from it. The stark reminders that I will never be truly free from this and that I will always have to be vigilant.
To friends and family who have supported and prayed for me the last 2 years. I thank you deeply. I had my latest scan last Wed, right after a long shoot and while I was worried in part that I might have squandered my last 6 months of “freedom” with stress, I somehow had a quiet assurance that it would go well. And well, it did.
Last Friday, my wonderful Oncologist, Dr Tay Miah Hiang of Oncocare, told Jo and I that my scans were still clear. Still NED (No Evidence of Disease). I stood up immediately and pumped my arms into the air, high-fived the Doc then hugged My Doc. Lamb chops ensued after.
Most of the time, when I go for a scan, there is what we call scanxiety. I would then pray in the car very, very hard. Clawing back and trying to make last minute amends to God as if cramming for a last minute PSLE with Helen and Ivan (If you know, you know). Many promises and “deals” would be made and images of scan results morphing like God of Gambler’s Mahjong tiles would be seared in my mind. (Since Tony’s done the MCU, do you think Chow might be next perhaps? Random thought). This time, I had almost no scanxiety. I almost wanted to feel it. So I just spent a few minutes in Cubie with God, but no deals were brokered. It did not have to. The truth was, I don’t know how long I have; But today is not the day to go. Not yet. I had the peace that transcends all understanding. It was uneventful and strangely calming before my scan.
Since I’ve been diagnosed with Stage 4 Colorectal Cancer on Feb 21, 2019, then diagnosed again with Peritoneal Cancer almost 9 months later, I have been living on borrowed time. Life and time extended to me by a the grace of God and by the efforts and love of my family and friends, doctors and nurses. Time has a different concept for me. I talk about death rather easily and sometimes cavalierly. That’s because it’s a reality for me. Friends sometimes chide me for talking about it so casually and perhaps I really shouldn’t as it does tend to make people uncomfortable sometimes, but the prospect of death is on my mind most of the time and this “Memento Mori” is the impetus for me to try to make use of my time here carefully and meaningfully. Marcus Aurelius says, ““You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.” And the bible says, “Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts.”
So thinking and talking about death openly is something that is, in my honest opinion, not something macabre but actually life empowering. It helps to put things into perspective. Guides our decisions while on earth; How much time should I spend on Tik Tok/ Instagram/ Should I do that masters?/ Smoke one more cigarette?/ Run an extra 10 minutes?/ Take on that 3 months project that will take family time away significantly? It’s a simplified process that I’m describing of course but the main tenant would always be …Make it count. Process and interpret that in whatever way that suits you. Or as my chef/ doctor wife always says, Salt to taste.
To my fellow cancer fighters, fight on. Day by day. Moment by moment. Dare to hope even when sometimes, we don’t see the horizon at all and the fog obscures our vision of a future. Cry out in the dark if you need, you’ll just never know, God is just a breath away.
To friends and family who have lost folks to cancer. You are the ones who have to truly bear the weight of this terrible disease, you who are left behind to pick up the pieces, wipe the tears, stand up again and live. My heart truly goes out to you (You know who you are).
And if you are still reading this post my friend, have a great week ahead. Uncle Dezzo here would like to remind you to eat more green leafy and colourful vegetables, eat a little less meat in general, stub out that cigarette for good (If I can do it, trust me you can), exercise a little more (Note to self), make sure you review your insurance policy so you have more options (If you need, you can contact Pinga Lim, my Financial Consultant who has walked this journey with me faithfully – https://pingalim.assured.sg) and spend your days with meaning and as much kindness as you can muster.
While it really does take an entire village to surround and make sure I live, two hands up and thanks to God for bringing me through this and faced the prospect of death, brought life back to me again.
Excelsior